| i gots a new name |
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| 10:29am 14/06/2004 |
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i have a new lj. my name is lodestarr. add me bitches and if you are lucky ill add you back |
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| penalization |
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| 03:23pm 24/04/2004 |
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im so glad that i can come home and cause such disruption.
i never thought returning a favour would be held above my head as a wrong doing. thank you for making me feel like i am such a burdon.
so much for ever coming home when i have time off. |
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| and so i have decided this is going to be long |
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| 08:44pm 22/04/2004 |
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mood:  complacent music: denali
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i deleted a bunch of entries today and im not so sure why. i cant even remember where i stopped... i just did.
i suppose alot has happened that i would rather forget or rather deny that i ever went through it. yes it does sounds strange even to me and its my thought.
i have been thinking alot and remember old times and how good things were at one time... well i suppose its wrong to say good... they were just different. its so strange to look back and feel LIKE I IMAGINED MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE UP UNTIL THIS POINT. so today i am going to try start living and feeling.
its strange, i have only been gone from windsor for a week and a half and already my mentality has changed... as it does everytime i leave.
i have thinking alot about anita lately and hope to get in contact with her soon. i miss the times we were together and had so much trust for each other.
last night was strange...
my sister is talking about moving to nelson. i have no comment about this. .. wait yes i do. she was gone for only ten days and i went crazy without her... what am i going to do forever without her? yes i am sounding selfish but what can you do? maybe i will just have to move with her when i get back.
i only wish to describe exactly what i am thinking right now... but i will reserve myself and remember that everything i have ever done in my lifetime has always been my choice.
xo |
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| i dont know where it starts but this is where it ends |
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| 02:12am 03/07/2003 |
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last night was nothing, and i mean nothing short of amazing. it started as an all girl hangout then turned into an everybody hang out then turned into me and crit skating and making adventures... the best adventures ever is what i meant to say. from bridges to waterfountains to skating and almost whiping out to seeing moe at 6am to stealing flowers to laughing hysterically to sidewalk chalk.... to finally feeling the way i urn to. i love that girl more then life.
tonight i hung out with my twin which made things even better and he even let me "cry" with him as he put his arm around me. i dont think he realized how much that comforted me. tomorrow is london and im way excited... moshy moshy for scottie. hmmm weird thought = life has a way of compencating for what you lost meaning i lost a twin now i have one back, weird.
insecurities have taken over yet again. tears have filled my jaw yet again. my wings have broken yet again. more family secrets out of the closet yet again. more dissapointement yet again. more death yet again. more realizations yet again. more heartache yet again. more more more... whoever thought less would be better?
amazing courtney amazing erin talks amazing crit hangout/bonding amazing wonder. |
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| ... since i would die without you |
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| 08:23pm 01/07/2003 |
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events =
funeral = lots of tears
my sister is engaged = happiness = me maid of honour
ben is in hospital = tears = sadness = car accident = too much death
is it my turn to wish you were lying here? i couldnt have dreamt you and im not sleeping. is it my turn to fictionate my world? or even imagine your emotions, tell me anything. is it my turn to hold you by your hand, tell you i love you but, you wont hear me. is it my turn to totally understand, to watch you walk out of my life without doing a damn thing. if i could give away this feeling that i feel, if i could sacrifice whatever, if i have to take apart all that i am, there is nothing that i would not do since i would die without you. i appologize for all the things i have done.
great hang out last night... got my mind off of things for once...and yet brought new unfortunate instances to my attention. |
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| and now he is gone |
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| 04:33pm 27/06/2003 |
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mood: sad music: black heart procession
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We spend our lives preparing ourselves for this moment but, when it happens we are never strong enough to deal and we never undersatand.
Jennies grandfather died last night, and if you know the realationgship jennie and i share, you know how much this means to me. And besides, he wasn't just her relative that i knew, he was as big a part of my life as my own grandfather had been.
his home was always warm and welcoming to all of us and we always knew that if we ever wanted pizza or to stay up late, that was the place to be.
im not sure how im dealing because it hasnt set in as of yet. maybe thats because he was sick and had been saying he could feel that it was going to happen for a while, or maybe because i cant imagine not being able to see him anymore.
at least he's not suffering anymore... or so everyone says... wow 4 funerals in 3 months, you think i would be immuned by now.
this happening makes all those petty instances that are happening lately mean nothing. we shouldn't hate as much as we all do, we should talk to people who intrigue us and we should be living each moment to the fullest... life is too short.
wow, this has been one of the worst weeks in my life... so i suppose that means that it should get better from here. oh, and to those two girls of mine, you know who you are, thank you for supporting me lately, i love you. and to my twin i love you too. |
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| the moon hangs |
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| 12:21am 26/06/2003 |
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No words spoken, no harm done and i think thats the way its going to be from now on.
i have lost my BEST FRIEND, do you know where they might be?
last night was an amzing night!!! Great food with great friends for a great dude. Water fights and watermelon helmits, cartwheels and handstands, swings and talks about the burned down store and chocolate cigarettes that i thought nobody cared about except for me and jennie. great stuffed fox and raccoon. great sing along to Journey. Next, great coldplay, great talks again, great spoonfest and great records.... amazing! |
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| such a pretty song. |
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| 12:32pm 25/06/2003 |
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"My Standard Break From Life"
I've got a regular problem
So my standard break from life is in order
I'm having trouble making sentences
I'm older but I don't feel any smarter
You see I don't know what I said to you
And now you're pissed at you know who
And I guess I deserve it
I wish I could waste my time without wasting all your time
I try to leave a good impression
But it's hard when my obsession's in a wine glass
And when you're only 23
It's not attractive to complain about your sore back
Yes I can bitch until my eyes are blue
And you're in bed with someone new
And I guess you deserve him
Wish I could waste my time without wasting all your time
You say I'm fixable
A classic case, lack of will
I say I don't wanna try
I'd rather stay here all night
I've got a motivation problem
So my standard break from life is getting longer
Spent over 30 hours in this bed
In two days, I guess I could've phoned her
But now that I'm awake
I'd rather take a drink
And walk down to the lake
And beg the sky for lightning bolts
I can't waste my time without wasting all your time
You say it's fixable
A classic case, lack of will
I say I don't wanna try
I'd rather sit here all night |
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| this, that and the other |
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| 03:01am 25/06/2003 |
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mood: disconcerned music: AT
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take it as you will because im done.
i feel like i want to leave and yet that hand is still on my shoulder. why? you should remove it before i remove it for you. you keep bringing me down further and further and i cant take it anymore. But no thats not it. i cant take the fact that i keep allowing you to do this to me. so all in all i have figured out that i do it to myself and it is nobody's fault but mine. i dont enjoy that when i talk you figure that im blaming eveything on something else... thats not the way it works with me.. it never has and i thought you knew that. it just hurts ya know? having your arm twisted to far. so here i say that everying has changed. you, me , them, but silence still just is. you think you know how i feel? you think you knwo what im thinking? you think you know what has gone on until now? can i tell you a secret that may hurt your feelings? you are wrong. i wish you wold have told me the truth, i wish you could have been strong enough all that time ago, but i dont blame you, because really what is strength?
we need recognized and accepted responsability for the compound impact of our actions and realization that every action we take affects so much more then our own personal lives.
"no response. its one, two three, minutes past with nothing to show for the passing moments. two blinks of the i and i walk away unnoticed. dont be what you cant handle because you can't handle what you are. dont tell me how to live my life when you dont know who you are"
hmmm i wonder what tomorrow will bring..... |
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| It goes against everything i told myself |
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| 02:26pm 21/06/2003 |
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Ani is playing, the pictures are still on my wall, some are still held tight in my left hand, and ive come to this.
When i came back from Toronto, i promised myself one thing. this one thing, i held so close to me, and with that promise i told myself i would never break my word because i need this to keep strong. i have broken that promise and i have to say that it has caused mch stress in my life as of late and im very unsure and worried about what to do.
besides that news, i talked to an amzing friend yesterday. this friend was/is just enough support/stability that i urn to have in my life. i wish we hadnt drifted as much as we have but that wont change. this friend is the only one that truly understands me. we have travelled down the same road and its almost scary to know this. so many instances that have happened in my life have happened in this friends life as well... to this friend i owe many things. this friend has no idea how much they have helped me. like all those times i have called when i was on the verge of tears and just need some reassurance that there are still good people out there, just like last night. this friend may never see the tears strolling down my face or hear the crackle in my voice because i dont call to cry to them. i call simply to hear that comforting voice on the other end. this person knows who they are. so to you, thank you, i appreciate your pressance in my life more then you will ever know.
Last night was frikken amazing, i had such a good night except for the lack of sleep thing... i wish those kids would visit more often because honestly i have never felt better. the best part of the night was when we were playing a card game and argued/interupted each other about what the best bands in the world are! it was pretty cool because for the most part we were all on the same page.
i wish i could tell you things that are burning my insides out. |
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| YAY hes coming to canada for 10 whole days!! woot woot! |
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| 10:40pm 18/06/2003 |
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so i talked to NY boy today and hes coming to visit from the 6 to the 16th and im pumped! ken and john are coming with too!!! YAY!
now to buy into this list.
- great girl that i room with, great times with the birds in the morn, great times being chased home
- great girl whom im sooo happy ive met and started a mafia with... man i can now sleep at night... preferably on her broken futon.
- you are amazing. honestly you are the one person that made me start having faith in people again. you amaze me with your insight and i love our talks. im gald we have a connection like no other. you have helped me so much and im glad we met... all those years a ago by a girl we both dont like anymore.
- you are the best race car driver i have ever met! it means alot that you still have those notes we wrote to you on your key chain... but now that i think of it... its probably coz you cant remove them!
- me and you have our own language which = us rocking! we have had some pretty vagalicous times together and donnie darko has nothing on us!
- you are a real rad girl that im glad i met. i think we're gonna have some fun times when you move into the hood!
- i dont knwo you very well, but you climb telephone poles and thats way hot in my books.
- you are a pretty cool girl that i dont know very well either but i see you at shows all the time, and thats rad.
- you are the best ever, shopping in the states always rocks but rush does not.
- you partied on my birthday and danced with me and carrie and that ruled!!! i left you and some weirdo tried to pick you up.... but we saved you and the rest of the night was great... well except for the alley. anyways you are one great girl and we need to do lunch again
- we met on sketchy terms, but i think the tension between us has gone and thats great! its always nice to have friends instead of enimies.
- you are one rocking boy that rocks out on his bass... but you have been rocking ever since i met you... all those years ago in tecumseh when we were plaza rats... i mean made fun of plaza rats and went to tim hortons to cry.
- great dude with great pics and great new years partying!
- i dont knwo you very well, but you seem like a rad enough guy with a hot band. best of luck
- i saved the best for last. you amaze me. we have the best times together even if it is while everyone else is trying to watch movies... catch 22 rocked even though you wouldnt dance with and were a "coat rack" all night. besides that i heart you much and yes i win, and im tired oh and sorry for frustrating the fuck out of you. Eskimo kisses. |
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| tattoos, music, long lost friends and brand new ones. |
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| 04:11pm 16/06/2003 |
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mood:  happy music: suicide file
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well this weekend turned out to be grand. friday was goodness hangin out with carrie and courtney and erin... but this was only the begining.
saturday went to shawns then to mom and pops house... which was a big surpirse... well the fact that there was no fighting that is. then we became the cosby family. we all had a nice dinner (thanx mom for the amazing veggie lasagna!) and then outside we went for frisbee. Weird, everyone was in on it! it was amazing except for the west nile that we all probably have by now. next stop, my house for more frisbee, surfing on the shaking jungle gym, naked boys showering, Do lists, truth or dare and staying up until the birds came out. it was wondiferous i tell you. Sunday was a great day too, except for the extreme tiredness that overwhealmed everyone. i went to dinner and the out for ice cream with mom and pops again which rocked mainly because this was the second free meal of the weekend. today was even greatness. i wrote a letter to a friend who lives in ny and he msgd me today which i was pumped about. its been about a year since i last saw him and cant wait to see him again! Also i found out that i can get a great deal for my sleeve and am way pumped AND Mike is coming down on the 19 of july and meeting me in london on the third. Needless to say i am way pumped! one last thing, i have been meeting some real rad new people that are way interesting and are hella fun. Hmmm now all i need is sex and the city. |
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| You cant control it, it just happens |
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| 05:27pm 14/06/2003 |
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some random thoughts,
you're just a memory that i want to burn
for those who get the wrong idea, theres something i want to make clear. the ex experts with the expertise aint got no place over here.
when the fun stops, its over.
you know that i cant take the idea of life being lived without the comfort of a home because its only where the heart is, its only what im shown. which is only what is given and never what i take. so just sleep out on the pullout couch and wait for me to wake coz im never coming back to you im never going to shake.
i must say that things are becoming very clear and i thank you all for that. and i do love you all.
and ps, i miss andrea like mad sickness, and cant wait to go see her. Andrea, check your email coz your inbox is full and i tried to send you the best email ever... with pics of the good ol tecumseh boy days and porno snowmen!!!!!!!!! |
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| and so it goes. |
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| 06:20pm 07/06/2003 |
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this is the sweetest night of my life.
gotta love some people and the way they treat you. gotta love people who respect you and stick by their word. gotta love people who only live for bringing you down. gotta love it. |
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| what the f???? |
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| 11:46pm 03/06/2003 |
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mood: meh music: Mates of State
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this day has not bee a good one let me tell you.
long story short = stupid guy that thinks he is a my father??? made me feel like an idiot and unwelcome in my own house today. so i left and walked for hours. then i came home and decided to go to my parents which = not goodness at all, lots of tears and weirdness. then had an "argument" with someone on the phone and cried, alot, and then they fell asleep on the phone. hmm great night. |
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| she never meant what she said, she never said what she meant. |
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| 01:18pm 01/06/2003 |
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mood:  sleepy
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to each its own. and i hope you can follow that and believe that you arent wrong for simplty having an oppinion. but realize that some can be insulted by harsh wors that you seem to spew out way to often.
i wrote a song last night and i have to say that for once, i am satisfied. im not sure what it was... it jusdt came to me and i wrote it down and now here it is. weird.
last night was awesome if i do say so myself. amzing ping pong player, not so amazing guy grabbing me, not so amazing time finding a parking spot, amazing everything else.
lets see if this will actually work because lj seems to hate me lately and wont let me update... hmmmmm |
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| yup you heard right, BANE ON SUNDAY!!!!! |
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| 12:06am 27/05/2003 |
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mood:  awake music: Suicide File
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well im currently at my parents house and its weird it really is... but just like everytime i come, its weird for different reasons. more and more i think about what it will be like when this house is gone and how i wont be able to come and sit by myself in my old bedroom and remember all the time spent inside of it, whether they be good times or bad. i will miss sitting in this room with my dog half laying on my feet and keeping them sooo warm because for some reason this room is always like ice. i wonder if i will visit my parents if/when they move to a new house. i think the only reason i like coming here is because its familiar, and warm with the accomplishment of getting out alive.
besides that, i have to say that im happy with the thought of a second chance to see against me. woot woot! and besides its a bit closer then chicago. SO that brings my mood up but what makes me even happier, is the fact that BANE, yes BANE will be in windsor on sunday. CAn you frikken believe this??? ok i know you can but i am sooo pumped like out of control pumped!!!! everyone should go no matter what and no matter how far you have to travel!!!!!! for serious, allyou detroit kids better come! BANE is amasing and terror is playing and most precious blood and we cant forget daylatehero!!!!!!! wow.... so soon!!!!
yayay!!!! |
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| this is how it is... this is how its always been... this is all it will ever ba |
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| 05:38pm 25/05/2003 |
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tonight = great show with great friends... and me bein pumped!!!!
im not sure what to write... there comes a point i guess where you cant force it anymore... it just has to flow through your finger tips... so why am i here?
anyways things have been weird lately and i have to say that its my fault... so i suppose that THINGS havent been weird... I have been weird. we will see what happens in the future then i suppose because i am now aware of whats going on (as i always have) i just have to take some action to make things better.
petty girls followed by insecure boys who need this to stay strong. lets see what path they take.
you only know what you have in your hand, so dont close it while it explodes, your hand might burst. good luck.
thats all, and i hope that everyone is doing good and i miss you!!!!!!
ciao |
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| well lj is frustrating today boy |
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| 07:26pm 22/05/2003 |
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things are weird lately. very weird and tense. very weird tense and unsettling. oh well ill cope.
i dont knwo why things are the way they are but i suppose this may show that we werent as close as we thought. so if we werent friends in the first place then i cant be upset about this.
how am i suppose to feel anymore? give me an honest answer. the way i have been treated i think my reactions are only fair. |
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| just when you think you know the truth. |
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| 02:37pm 22/05/2003 |
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mood:  contemplative music: tick tock
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well i have to say that things havent been the greatest lately but, they are seemingly getting better as time goes on. Yesterday was a prety good day despite the lack of sleep. i got the chance to talk to someone i never really knew and had tension with for a while. actually i got to talk to two of those people. i also got the chance to go to an amazing frikken show last night!!! i didnt expect anything less but i must say i was knocked on my ass with how good the bands were. After the show we without saying, we went to schwarma and then back to courtneys. rad kids from kentucky, rad spooning, rad idea for a guiness record, rad "butterflies", and rad people who i am only just begining to know.
so with all that being said, things are looking up compared to they way they were going, but knock on wood because good things never last forever... or so ive been told. |
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